Will you blow on my dice?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
