I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sober January is a disaster.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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