I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
