Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
