Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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