you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
