not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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