My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
