Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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