every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
