i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize