Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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