I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
