Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
