i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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