I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
