dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
