Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
