Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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