eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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