You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My breasts were aching with rage.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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