I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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