i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
