I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
