how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Mom said you looked used
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
