I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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