If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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