if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
