my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize