chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
