Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
