got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she looked like the before picture.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
