The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had sex on a roof
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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