Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
