Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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