I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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