I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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