I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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