i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
