3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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