I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
