just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
