You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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