Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
