why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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