I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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