Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
