smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
