ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
