Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
