so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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