zippers are such a cool invention
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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