How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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