im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
