She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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