Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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