when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
