My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
